Recuerdo

I am checking out YouTube, searching some people in Friendster, google-ing topics which I think are interesting, reading the blogs of those bloggers I'm following, trying to download songs from mp3-codes.com, screwing myself by accidentally opening "someone's" multiply account I never thought exist, letting my thoughts fly away and my heart beats thrice faster than normal. I never planned all these things to happen today. And I never thought I can post this in my blog at this very moment.

This song from Bobby Valentino, Anonymous, focusing about a girl he saw at the party who he found certainly attractive at first glance, reminds me of couple of things in my life a year ago. My relax job in my previous company, my cool friends and happy-go-lucky lifestyle, how I met Buddy, who I stepped on for the name of Love and Freedom, why I have to leave the life I'm used to living and all those people, things and events I rarely have right now. As in fuckin' right now!!!

Huh! Maybe I just simply missed the life I used to live. All those thrill and excitement I have never experienced again, and maybe, will never experience again.

Constant Change

Nothing is constant. Everything changes. Physical features. Mind settings. Even feelings... even emotional status.

I really don't understand why I'm feeling this way after a short phone conversation with Buddy during my 15mins break.

But even before that, I already called him up around 2:00pm, it was drizzling and I was looking at the glass window of the cab I'm in, on my way for our rehearsal. I'm late for it, but I'm not worried. I'm feeling much worried about my lack of sleep. huh! It's been a week now that I get to sleep for only 4-5 hours. It could have been alright if I'm working the regular hours, but I'm not, unfortunately.

Anyway, this is how our conversation goes...

Ring... Ring... Ring... (loud music background).

ME : Sa'n ka?
BUDDY : Sa ecafe, soundtrip lang with the boys.
ME : Papunta ako ___, for rehearsal. Bukas na Big Night.
BUDDY : Ang tulog mo?
ME : Kunti lang... kailangan e sacrifice eh.
BUDDY : (audible sigh) Punta pala akong Manila bukas.
ME : Huh?! Ba't biglaan?!
BUDDY : Nabigla nga rin ako. Sina Ate M kasama ko. Kilala mo lahat ng makakasama ko. May bagong negosyo raw.
ME : Kailan ka uwi?
BUDDY : Di pa nga ako nakaalis, uwi na pinag-uusapan natin. haha!
ME : Sige wag ka na umuwi ha...
BUDDY : Hahaha! Balik agad kami.
ME : Gaano kaagad?
BUDDY : Di ko pa alam. Text kita pag nakuha ko na ticket ko.
ME : K, sige text nalang kita for updates sa mga lakad ko today.
BUDDY : Sige, ingat ka! Fruits ha... saka vits mo.
ME : Yes po! Bye!

I didn't even waited for his "BYE" and "I LOVE YOU", I cut the line as soon as I finished saying the long word of BYE, but if I waited I doubt he would say "I LOVE YOU". Why? I don't know. I just felt that he won't. I'd rather hung up first than hear him hung up first on the other line instead of hearing the expected " I LOVE YOU".

I didn't pay much attention about what I just knew, thinking that 99% about his Manila weekend trip will not pursue and we can then spend the weekend together.

Later that night, I called him up during my break to verify about his flight, and after expecting that he will say he won't be leaving for weekend, I just got disappointed. He informed me the opposite. He's leaving and coming back Monday morning. I can't almost say anything but I tried to compose myself. Not really a big deal actually but there are just lots of things we need to talk--- about us. I can't understand our scheme and way of communicating with each other- text messages, phone calls, his visiting home which he very seldom do and I think the last time he did it was like centuries ago. Is he just inconsistent about his life in general? Not limited to lovelife? Or some other reason bigger and more serious than that? Is he falling out of love and getting so jaded about me... about us? And would want to go for another relationship?

I hung up the phone and went back to my pad. I was thinking over things. We are not as sweet as other lovers are. We were never very sweet, I guess, and not the PDA type. I used to think it's perfectly fine and in fact I like it. PDA type of relationship is too immature for me and very inappropriate, but now it seems like all the love in our relationship is slowly passing out it's existence and close to cease it's functioning, and I'm blaming it about us not being so sweet.

I thought I have fully adjusted with our setup. Buddy on the other side of the world, and me here in this other lonely side. What used to be a 'sweet and passionate always' now seems to be a bitter and stressful nothing.

Here I go again! I can't name the feeling I have now. I am mad! But I can't tell if it's for him or the idea that he's leaving.

I tried feel myself and search inside my heart the love I'm feeling for him that I've been trying to keep for so long. Surprisingly, I can't find it. I was shocked! No this can't be! I love him, I know that!

Am I just feeling this way due to disappointment that my plans for us can no longer be possible this weekend?

Or, is it because of our very inconsistent way of communication and he seems to be so cold almost all the time these past few weeks?

Is it because he doesn't tell me he is missing me like the way he used to say it to me?

About the thought of him leaving, maybe?

A lot of possible reasons I know we can talk about and slowly fix. Hopefully, just that.

I pray this won't be something so serious...

But it can't be about falling out of love.

... I pray...

Constant Change (PART II)

We've been like this for how many days... It's been like this for how long, I don't know...

Buddy's off for Manila and the last time we saw each other, had dinner and finished a bottle of San Mig Light each, was last Sunday. I've been waiting for this Sunday to come but my excitement slowly died down when he surprisingly announced he's spending weekend in Manila, and will be coming home in 2-3 days. I felt his eagerness to visit his place. But disappointment reign after knowing he's leaving Saturday, the day I planned of couple of things we can do after The Big Night.

Last Sunday was not a good day for both of us. We were not able to spend much time since I had some more important things to do, he too had. We even had a li'l (just a li'l) argument when I made him wait just to know afterwards that I'm done eating dinner with my friends which means he gotta eat alone, but of course me with him. OK. Mali na ako. But still wer had fun that night.

So generally, this week is chaotic and depressing. I was pondering on things and trying to assess our relationship and the things that's been happening to him...to me...about us, exactly. I'd be stupid if I say "Everything is going smoothly and there's no problem at all.", coz it's obvious that both of us are having hard time, these past few days, coping up with each others priorities, interests, and needs in each of our now separate lives. Or in short, hardly trusting each other?

Gone are the everyday sweet messages.
Gone are the the everyday "Good Morning!"
Gone are the picking up from work.
Gone are the party night outs with him.
Gone is He...

And I'm feeling so sad...
I feel like I'm a failure...