Breaking off

Work earlier was not good. Shift ended with anger... for whom? For my job which is very destructive and deadly(despite the fact I'm earning handsomely)? Or for myself coz I was not able to control my badmouth and I bursted out?

Afterwards, I felt so tired and I don't know why.

Maybe I just really need a serious break. I've been "breaking" for couple of times and I think it's no longer good. Well, I really don't give a damn care coz right now I want to have a break! And I don't think all those breaks were enough, so this time, this "break", I should take things seriously. I need to accomplish what needs to be done. I gotta call in the office so I can be absent today then unwind and relax, think things over, ponder on some mistakes, contemplate on decisions I have to make. In that way I'll get refreshed.

I guess I need to give myself consideration for all the confusions and irrationality of my young mind. But being young is never an excuse for me and it'll be obvious bias if I'll put the blame about me being young.

Honestly, I'm having hard time identifying the things I need to work on to. But not as difficult as before. Now, I'm just not being consistent of my action plans that's why I'm so inconsistent of myself as well. Nobody, including me, wants to be called a jerk or be considered as someone having personality problems. Buddy once shouted at me about that thing and I was really hurt.

I'm trying to become a better person coz I feel like I'm a selfish daughter to my mom. Sometimes I can't give her what she exactly needs (FYI: I'm the chief income earner since Dad is no longer working). But to defend myself, I also have to leave something for me coz I'm going back to school next year, and I'm giving more than half of my monthly personal income.

I feel like I'm a bad friend. I can't seem to make my friends laugh all the time and I'm not like someone else who can crack the best jokes and say to others happenings of their everyday life, shameful or funny it may come out. Well, I'm just doing what is comfortable for me. I don't want to drown myself in embarrassment if ever I'll do that.

I feel like I'm not a deserving girlfriend for Buddy. Why? This sounds so silly but this is how I feel. I'm not like her ex-girlfriend/bestfriend. Not as nice and saintly-like as her. Not as rich and prominent as her. Simply not like her, and couple of things which does not contain reasonable words at all. I hate the vanity in me.

I have been telling myself that everyone is unique in their own way. But still I keep on wanting what other people possess without knowing that they might envy what I have that they don't also possess. Trying to emitate what "goodness" they have. This is so not me, so these should not pursue. I am a woman of straight, strong principle, and I'll never let the things I want make me forget the things I already have.

Others may think I am being so self-centered for what I confessed about what I'm feeling, but hell may care, I won't get anything by keeping inside what's hurting me so much.

This is just because of stress. Gotta take a break.

One Night One Stage

I'm currently in my moment of "breaking" then I found this link something about cancer and found out it's all about the September 5th Stand Up 2 Cancer Show. I've heard of this event but never really paid much attention. Since I'm "breaking" I tried to go to the details further since I also have the luxury of time to do so. I found an article of Gina Telaroli's Top 10 Cancer Movies That'll Make You Stand Up (http://www.takepart.com/2008/09/04/top-10-cancer-movies-thatll-make-you-stand-up/).

I'm now surfing Youtube.com at the same time and found a live performance video JUST STAND UP (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V53NqovXvA), I care to take a glimpse of it since I read Mariah Carey's name. When I saw the video, live during the SU2C Show (Stand Up 2 Cancer Show), I, "oh!", these two are perfectly related. How nice! I really like the song (JUST STAND UP), the lyrics so enlightening and encouraging specially to those who lost all hopes about living because of cancer. Seeing the spectacular line up of women talent, the marvelous stage, lively band playing, audience cheering and standing up will surely live out the dying hope in you.

I took this vid for the lyrics, check it out, it might make you smile also




Surfing through and through trying to find a video of the show (live), I found this, a highlight from the Stand Up 2 Cancer Show. Since I did not found a video for the live show, I decided to post this one which is trully inspiring also.





All the videos I watched, articles and posts I read and the song I listened almost brought me to tears. Everyone is doing the greatest thing they can contribute to change the face of cancer forever. That event started the end of cancer.

Better off

I was supposed to post the video itself, unfortunately "embedding disabled by request".

Mariah looks great in this video if I would to compare it to her new singles I STAY IN LOVE. She acts far better than the latter video. She manifests more emotions and the effect of black and white adds character to it and to Mariah, herself.

Check this out guys...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUviLieA_kY

Smiling upon lose

People come and go, indeed Martin.

It's been a month or so when some of my workmates, teammates to be specific, were promoted, some were transferred and the others left for good. I felt so happy for them coz I knew it's where they wanted to be, and I know they'd be happier. But at the same time, it's a real sad moment of my life also. Just when you're getting closer and more comfortable with them... fate took them away.


Mr. Trulli

Bald, tall, sexy... and I used to "bully" him. Well, not really "bully", but I did not treat him real right when, in fact, he is such a nice man. There were those times I embarrassed him in front of our teammates through jokes. I guess there were also times when I was serious. I don't know what came to up to my mind why sometimes I go beyond what's reasonable. He's not handsome but real good-looking person, no wonder Jun likes him so much... obsessed, I guess. hehe! And one thing I like about him is his willingness to listen about your sentiments and dramas in life. I know a bit of his past good enough to say recovering wasn't easy for him, and here is this man who is more than willing to know your flaws when I think it should be us, who's experiences were not even half bad as what he experienced, yet we are racing who should talk first. His open-mindedness about almost all the things in life. How he's trying to make up for all he missed due to reckless young mind. How loving he is for the woman of his life now. How he values his soon-to-become-a-father. Those are just some of the things I know about him but failed to realize everyday. He was promoted and I never thought we'd miss him like this intense.


Gee

Medium height, more than chubby, less than a talker yet really intellectual. Never thought we'd be closer than I imagined we will be. First impression: BORING! But to be honest, she's not. She can crack jokes and utter words you never think a Gee would ever say. Serious she may look like, but funny when she talks. hahaha!! Tsk... aahh!!! I was under the impression that she's a symbol of secrecy but she's not... such a GOSSIP GIRL!!! hehehehe! But I actually learned a lot from her, from people to things, books to movies, malice to devil-may-care. She has never tried having a boyfriend but I bet she's gonna have one soon, someone she calls her IDEAL MAN- Derek Ramsey or Doug Kramer feature will be OK for her. hehehe! Now she's leaving for Singapore next year and we pray for all the good things to happen in her life there. I'm soon to lose one buddy here in the Phil.



Ciuda

A girl of her age, stable-life in general and lovelife as well, with a clear direction of her future.
We never get so close but we go out together with the same circle of friends, and in fact, her and her boyfriend-soon-to-be-husband's home is what we have come to consider our party place. Such an accomodating person really. At first, you might get intimated but she is just so natural and true. Now, same with Mr. Trulli, she was promoted. I can still remember how she, with all effort, beg our Sup to have her transferred back to our team. It was just a day after her promotion. Seeing her these days made me say I had the luxury of time knowing her but I didn't make use of it but no regrets at all coz we've got more worthwhile moments now. We "party" for reason. She got promoted with Jamie and Pigz.

Apol

Petite and looks single. Well, she is! But she's got her precious li'l Sam, her only child. She got pregnant at an early age, and if you were to ask her, she'd answer, " I used to be so rebellious so it pays everything." But now, I can tell her life is totally different from what she used to live. She is a strong woman, I can see. From all those experiences I don't think she will easily give up life's rudeness and selfishness. I appreciate everytime she shows interest in knowing some details of my 'confused' life. Such a vivid and happy person really.

They are just some of those people who marked my life with meaning and importance. Their lose means so much difference and loneliness, but I know I can cope up with it.

Don't cry because it' over, smile because it happened.

I Still Believe

That voice...

..!.

I sent the message, more of a request, and after a few minutes I immediately received the reply. Not surprising that I received it earlier than expected coz it's still 7:30am, I just got from work, not yet asleep, still facing the comp, and maybe network not so busy yet.

I've been disappointed for couple of times but I never thought I'd feel this way. This is so different from all the disappoints in my whole life! This weighs so much that it seems like my dreams are shattered.

Hatred and madness for myself is slowly cripping inside of me! Hatred and madness for all of THEEEEMMMMM!!!! My God, this can't be! I pray this is just pure discrepancy or else I will really scream to death!!! What's gonna happen to all of my plans now. Shit!!! F@#*!!!!!

Buddy is, I think, too busy (like what he just texted), to feel what I'm feeling right now. So I texted Jun right away. I know he can't do anything but at least I've bursted out my disappointment and anger. A little relief, at least!!! This is really sooooooo shitty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Give me what I deserve...touch my body

Feel me...

Have a break...have some kit kit

I just don't have the passion to finish reading my Paulo Coelho ELEVEN MINUTES.

Maybe because of last week's soooooooo stressful, busy and hectic sched.

Maybe I just need a little break

Maybe I should not worry my mind and not think of anything with much effort.

Maybe I need to chill and just relax... take it easy.

Maybe...

Constant Change

Nothing is constant. Everything changes. Physical features. Mind settings. Even feelings... even emotional status.

I really don't understand why I'm feeling this way after a short phone conversation with Buddy during my 15mins break.

But even before that, I already called him up around 2:00pm, it was drizzling and I was looking at the glass window of the cab I'm in, on my way for our rehearsal. I'm late for it, but I'm not worried. I'm feeling much worried about my lack of sleep. huh! It's been a week now that I get to sleep for only 4-5 hours. It could have been alright if I'm working the regular hours, but I'm not, unfortunately.

Anyway, this is how our conversation goes...

Ring... Ring... Ring... (loud music background).

ME : Sa'n ka?
BUDDY : Sa ecafe, soundtrip lang with the boys.
ME : Papunta ako ___, for rehearsal. Bukas na Big Night.
BUDDY : Ang tulog mo?
ME : Kunti lang... kailangan e sacrifice eh.
BUDDY : (audible sigh) Punta pala akong Manila bukas.
ME : Huh?! Ba't biglaan?!
BUDDY : Nabigla nga rin ako. Sina Ate M kasama ko. Kilala mo lahat ng makakasama ko. May bagong negosyo raw.
ME : Kailan ka uwi?
BUDDY : Di pa nga ako nakaalis, uwi na pinag-uusapan natin. haha!
ME : Sige wag ka na umuwi ha...
BUDDY : Hahaha! Balik agad kami.
ME : Gaano kaagad?
BUDDY : Di ko pa alam. Text kita pag nakuha ko na ticket ko.
ME : K, sige text nalang kita for updates sa mga lakad ko today.
BUDDY : Sige, ingat ka! Fruits ha... saka vits mo.
ME : Yes po! Bye!

I didn't even waited for his "BYE" and "I LOVE YOU", I cut the line as soon as I finished saying the long word of BYE, but if I waited I doubt he would say "I LOVE YOU". Why? I don't know. I just felt that he won't. I'd rather hung up first than hear him hung up first on the other line instead of hearing the expected " I LOVE YOU".

I didn't pay much attention about what I just knew, thinking that 99% about his Manila weekend trip will not pursue and we can then spend the weekend together.

Later that night, I called him up during my break to verify about his flight, and after expecting that he will say he won't be leaving for weekend, I just got disappointed. He informed me the opposite. He's leaving and coming back Monday morning. I can't almost say anything but I tried to compose myself. Not really a big deal actually but there are just lots of things we need to talk--- about us. I can't understand our scheme and way of communicating with each other- text messages, phone calls, his visiting home which he very seldom do and I think the last time he did it was like centuries ago. Is he just inconsistent about his life in general? Not limited to lovelife? Or some other reason bigger and more serious than that? Is he falling out of love and getting so jaded about me... about us? And would want to go for another relationship?

I hung up the phone and went back to my pad. I was thinking over things. We are not as sweet as other lovers are. We were never very sweet, I guess, and not the PDA type. I used to think it's perfectly fine and in fact I like it. PDA type of relationship is too immature for me and very inappropriate, but now it seems like all the love in our relationship is slowly passing out it's existence and close to cease it's functioning, and I'm blaming it about us not being so sweet.

I thought I have fully adjusted with our setup. Buddy on the other side of the world, and me here in this other lonely side. What used to be a 'sweet and passionate always' now seems to be a bitter and stressful nothing.

Here I go again! I can't name the feeling I have now. I am mad! But I can't tell if it's for him or the idea that he's leaving.

I tried feel myself and search inside my heart the love I'm feeling for him that I've been trying to keep for so long. Surprisingly, I can't find it. I was shocked! No this can't be! I love him, I know that!

Am I just feeling this way due to disappointment that my plans for us can no longer be possible this weekend?

Or, is it because of our very inconsistent way of communication and he seems to be so cold almost all the time these past few weeks?

Is it because he doesn't tell me he is missing me like the way he used to say it to me?

About the thought of him leaving, maybe?

A lot of possible reasons I know we can talk about and slowly fix. Hopefully, just that.

I pray this won't be something so serious...

But it can't be about falling out of love.

... I pray...

Constant Change (PART II)

We've been like this for how many days... It's been like this for how long, I don't know...

Buddy's off for Manila and the last time we saw each other, had dinner and finished a bottle of San Mig Light each, was last Sunday. I've been waiting for this Sunday to come but my excitement slowly died down when he surprisingly announced he's spending weekend in Manila, and will be coming home in 2-3 days. I felt his eagerness to visit his place. But disappointment reign after knowing he's leaving Saturday, the day I planned of couple of things we can do after The Big Night.

Last Sunday was not a good day for both of us. We were not able to spend much time since I had some more important things to do, he too had. We even had a li'l (just a li'l) argument when I made him wait just to know afterwards that I'm done eating dinner with my friends which means he gotta eat alone, but of course me with him. OK. Mali na ako. But still wer had fun that night.

So generally, this week is chaotic and depressing. I was pondering on things and trying to assess our relationship and the things that's been happening to him...to me...about us, exactly. I'd be stupid if I say "Everything is going smoothly and there's no problem at all.", coz it's obvious that both of us are having hard time, these past few days, coping up with each others priorities, interests, and needs in each of our now separate lives. Or in short, hardly trusting each other?

Gone are the everyday sweet messages.
Gone are the the everyday "Good Morning!"
Gone are the picking up from work.
Gone are the party night outs with him.
Gone is He...

And I'm feeling so sad...
I feel like I'm a failure...

Deep Down Depression?

Empty mind.
Can't write.
Busy.
Stressed out.
Can't exactly tell if I'm down.
Or maybe just depressed?
For sure not broken-hearted.
Lack of sleep.
Insecurities.
Self-pity.
Excited?
...somewhat.
Uncertainties.
Lonesome.
What else?
Don't know.
...I just don't know...
I badly need a break...