A New "Fling"

I finished THE ZAHIR and now I'm with ELEVEN MINUTES. I tried VERONIKA DECIDES TO DIE before these two but honestly it didn't get my interest. I don't call myself a Paulo Coelho fan, I don't follow his principles and philosophies in life. Not yet. He is still a stranger coz I just 'met' him and decided to make him part of my Interests List.

A friend of mine who was a PolSci grad then went to Law school, but unfortunately did not chose to pursue it to follow her dream I consider much more practical, 'introduced' me to Paulo Coelho. His novels are not my type actually which I find so boring. I go for Anne Rice's vampire and immortality stories, or Sidney Sheldon's passionate and sexual ways of expressing love and sweet revenges bringing you to places near and far-from the east to the west, from south to north.

I gave Coelho a try, and the very hour I reached the last page and read the last remaining word of THE ZAHIR, I considered it a great discovery. I liked it! It may seem like a simple story of a husband thinking was abandoned by his wife for a lot of possible reasons, but it implies more of life and knowing one's self.

And now, ELEVEN MINUTES is not making me sleep...more sleepless days and nights to come for sure. How Coelho started the novel already gave me a good impression of it and of him as well. From innocence to mastery, from nothing to everything, from love to sex. It's so realistic for me!

His novels are now my new interest, like a fling always eager to be with, sharing the fun and enjoyment of leisure time. Even if I know there is something more important to look at to, I still take time to give a simple glance of it, or even peep.

And I think I'm starting to love my new "Fling". (grin)

"No more coffee..." PART II

This is another dramatic bullshit day! 'tang ina! I should have not consumed that mug of latte sweetened which I so like. For how many days I was able to get rid from drinking coffee and I hate today! I really hate this fuckin' day! I feel so sick I wanna puke, head so damn aching, can't organize my thoughts well, I am shaking, I can't almost breath, my hands and feet are so fuckin' cold and sweating though it's so cold in here, and it's giving my tommy an acidic-like feeling. And the worst of all- PALPITATION!!! I know it's my fault but I'm just driven madly in love with coffee.

Next time I should not forget my vitamins so I can get myself away from coffee. (sigh) What else can I do? Coffee devoured me but I enjoyed it...

A week so dragging

Monday seems like "hell" after a boring weekend vacation. Unfortunately, there is no way to extend weekend till Monday no matter how hard I pray in front of the grotto, or wish upon a falling star on a Sunday night.

A bit exciting though, coz Tuesday is coming and it's payday! With a very good amount of paycheck, I think I've won the prize for the days I work. Good enough to convince one's self I can still make it for the remaining three days.

We are halfway now guys! It's Wednesday and more exciting. I'm richer than yesterday (bragging) and I think I need to give myself a great break and rest. A little bit of sleep, lunch out with my friends and Buddy, a movie to remind me how high it feels being in love, night out to chill and empty bottles...good enough for me to be absent. *-*

Gotta pick up what's left from work. Can I still use my SLs? I still have three. Sorry girl, gotta go back to work. Abuse... I just have to imagine tomorrow's gonna be Friday and today is Thanksgiving Day.

Whew! At last it's Friday! Surprisingly, I don't feel as excited as the previous weeks about the thought of Friday night-last day of work and weekend is here again. I don't seem to care. Not excited, not planning anything for weekend, but not that I still want to work. Just no emotions at all. OK fine. I'll just sleep, blog, sleep, blog...

I'm broke but I'm happy

I feel like I'm the poorest person alive on Earth right now. It's exactly 04:27am, but still I can't sleep. I am thinking about a lot of things- payables, how to earn extra income, what I can do this weekend, my attire for the party this December, contemplating if I'm gonna move in with Buddy in Manila, how to start saving so I can go back to school next year-basically, everything has something to do with money. I only have like a hundred bucks in my wallet and a few change in my purse. I am calculating in my mind where my money went and how I spent it. My daily fare, meal, personal expenses-accessories, dress, facial, massage, night out, and all other extra expenses. Whew! Not an easy life here. I am earning more now with my current job compared to those previous ones I had, but expenses now is skyrocketing! And I forgot to mention, the amount of money I always to give to mama is an additional expense.

I am so burdened with responsibilities not suppose to be mine. I am worrying my young mind of problems supposedly my parents should be thinking. I have been telling myself I should be grateful I am earning and I am helping my family. It's a nice scene seeing my sisters and brother with smiles painted on their face for they are not experiencing the scarcity I 'suffered' when I was their age. I AM SORRY but I find it too much already, I guess.

Too much coz I can't even buy the things I wanted for so long. I'm not being mean and self-centered, I'm being selfless, actually. I can only get what's cheap, cheaper and cheapest when I know I deserve something better.

I have to think of this and that before I think of myself. I mean, it's total discouragement on my end if I'm getting nothing for all my hardworks. Everybody deserves a reward for a job well done and I know I deserve to have one.

Huh! Again, I can only do so much. I can only scold myself but I can't afford to leave them. I'm not that hard, yet. I just feel battered with responsibilities not mine, but in the end, I know I would still offer myself to take all those. I can't deny, the bitterness I'm feeling right now will just be easily washed out by the eagerness of giving my ALL to see them happy and contented.

In the long run, I should still be glad coz I'm blessed with what everybody needs-MONEY. I should feel more thankful, rather than being bitter. I don't beg for alms in the street just to earn. I have a descent job I'm being paid handsomely. Me and my family can eat three times daily (even more), we can still go out together, my siblings go to school and they get to join clubs and organization coz I can afford to pay and they celebrate birthdays with cakes and presents.

I weighed things well and the final conclusion is, it still feels much more rewarding if you give up your own wants for those people you love just to see them happy and enjoying their life. You feel enjoyment and happiness too.

Maybe God has better plans for me. Maybe he's still preparing the best recipe for a very special food for me. Maybe much better taste than what I want now. I don't have to rush things up, I have to remind myself of that all the time. I know I can have something I can call my own, in the near future. Maybe that's gonna be my greatest reward for all these.

The Key Chain and the Letter

It was Buddy's birthday but I did not greet him first thing in the morning which really pissed him off. Well, pissing him off is really part of the plan. He had no idea that I filed for a 2-days leave so we can celebrate his birthday, and on my end, I want to give myself a break, I think I also deserve that. And I think today is the right time. After a yummy breakfast with Jez I suggested we go home right away so I can sleep well to prepare for that day's activities.

Buddy texted me so early, which is very unusual about him. Indeed, he was pissed.

TEXT 1
Nagtxt na lahat ng tao pro ang pnka mportante sa buhay ko, ewan ko lng...tapos galit k pa sa'kin...Sory na oh!

TEXT2
Hnd k tlga mkklimutan ang araw na 'to...pnakamalungkot...

TEXT3
Sirang-sira na talaga araw k...walang kwntang kaarawan... :-(

After reading those three messages, I decided to text him back.

ME:
Hndi nmn aq galit sau khapon ah..drama lng un.am on my way hom.txt u 1s i aryv.muah!
(no respose from him)

I knew I was so rude. If he only knew how eager I was greeting him and telling him all those inspiring wishes. But I gotta stop myself from doing that. Again, it's not part of the plan. When I arrived home, I texted him with a simple...

ME:
Jst got hom.gotta sleep na,work pa later.txt me wat time ka punta rito para mkapunta tau church.gudnyt!tsup
(no response from him still)

(Goodnight is our greeting when we go to sleep regardless of the time.)

I slept until 3:00am. Still I didn't receive any messages from him when I woke up, so I decided to text him first. It took a few minutes before I got his response. He told me he's not picking me up at home, he so hate traffic, since it was also the feast day of one of the places there. We came up to the plan of just meeting at my Aunt's house-they're celebrating the feast-so we can eat there and proceed to the church, then he can drive me to work. Just the very normal scheme for us.

For that whole afternoon and while we were at my Aunt's house I acted so mean and cold. I wanted him to feel like I really don't care. I asked him to return to me the F07 key chain he borrowed which he was suppose to return last week, but he did not. He acted like trying to pacify himself, afraid he might ruin his own special day.

Everything happened as how they were planned. Around 6:30pm we were already travelling the road to my workplace and there were few drops of rain falling that time. We were just so silent while he was driving, so unusual for us. We arrived earlier than expected-an hour before my shift would start. He was shocked yet surprised for a split second when I said, "Chill tayo. Gusto ko uminom tonight.". With a cute smile on my face. He looked at me and didn't say a word at first, maybe thinking if I am kidding. He then managed to say, "Sure ka? You have to work."

"Yeah I'm not kidding. Medyo malamig so cool mag-inuman. Actually, I'm on leave.", I replied.
"Huh! Hindi mo sinabi sakin.", he only afford to say.

"Naka shorts nga lang ako."

"Yeah, ba't di'ko napansin?"

"Treat ko. Let's go."

For that part of the day, what I planned didn't happen as how I wanted it to be.

Club musics, people around us on their own tables drinking, hearing their laughs and the sound of beer bottles, seeing those familiar lights of the streets, car parked and other party goers still coming, and the two of us talking over a set of SML. I wanted to feel so free that night. That's how I imagined things to be.

But everything changed when he suggested that we go to their place first, so we can also greet two of his cousins who were celebrating their birthdays that same day. I agreed since I haven't visited his Aunt and grandma for almost a month already, I guess.

We arrived there, he had conversation with his cousins. We watched television with his other Aunt, and his other cousins were also their. We were laughing, as if I was part of their family. I was enjoying the moment but the other side of my mind is wondering what's his plan for that night. He's not suppose to ruin what I have already plotted. I wanted to tell him that we need to go, but at the same time I don't want him to feel bad when he was trying to savor the moment with his family during that special day. I just waited for a sign from him.

It was already 11:oopm when we left their place. It was, I think, a good timing since his cousins look so sleepy already. Now we can go back to that place we used to go when we were still not so serious about our lives, when we only know money for party, no real priorities yet. And now is the time to feel that way again, even if only for this night coz the real world would be waiting for us once the sun will rise again.

He's always the club fashionista I so love, he may not have that 'sexy' lean body build.

Unfortunately, he didn't dress up like the way he used to, when we were ready to go. He was only wearing slippers and shorts and the shirt he wore just earlier. Did not even applied perfume, if I didn't do it first. He only brought with him his key and his cap, the one I gave last year as a Christmas gift.

He said we should not go so far since it's already late. It sounded so surprising to me. This is never late for you, how come now it is? We used to start our 'life' around 1:00am, or the worst 4:00am, now you're telling me IT'S LATE? I prefer to just keep my mouth shut, maybe he had something better on his mind that time.

He brought me to a not so big house. There was a wide lawn, Christmas lights on the roof of the house(basically it was dim), tables and chairs were also there, there was also karaoke and a few men we're singing, it was solemn and much more quite than the kind of place I want to go. There was a group of men already drinking . Obviously, it was a small drinking area.

I found out that it was his friend's house, they used to chill their just with other friends, as well. His friend's parents used to sell halo-halo, until all other residents in that area go their just to have some drink. (Instead of the halo-halo, they settled for beer) Later, political personalities also go their just to have some drink, until they have decided to turn it into something that they can earn more. And that's how it started.

The place was undeniably nice. It's really good for those who just want to give themselves a break from their stressful days of work. Sometimes, partying a lot is not a good pay or reward for yourself, not a good comfort zone for a stressful lifestyle. But despite the appreciation, I still disagreed with him. The aura of the place just didn't suit my mood for that night. But what else can I do, a bottle of beer has been served and opened. OK. I'll just try entertain myself. It's not bad after all. I don't believe the place will hinder us from doing the same thing we want to do to that place I want to go.

Yes, indeed. We really had fun, we had conversation and we talked to each other like we're just close friends. Second bottle, we're both tipsy and his friend who owned that place arrived. He introduced me to him, three of us had conversation but basically it's only the two of them talking about those people I'm sure I haven't encountered my whole life. We finished that second bottle, I suggested we go home since it was already past 12:oomn.

I can't remember how I managed to get in his room. Both of us we're already sober. We lied down, he turned off the light and we were suppose to go to sleep then. But before I go on dreaming, with all my might I stood up and grabbed my bag. I gave him something, that Ferrari 2007 key chain he always wanted to add in his collection but can't buy one coz whenever he does, it's sold out all the time. He borrowed mine, he so like it, and even begged for me to give it to him. But I did not coz it's really my plan to buy him a new one (i owe my thanks to Randy for the F07).

Though I did not see the expression in his eyes, but from the sound of his voice, I can tell he was really glad having it and the simple celebration we had for his birthday. I then gave him the letter I wrote just that day before I went to sleep after my shift.

"I'll just read it tomorrow.", he said.

"Happy Birthday 'geng. It was really my intention not to greet you, to piss you. My plan. But this day is for you."

"Aaahh!! Kainis ka talaga. Thanks dude!"

He then hugged me so tight and gave that very sweet kiss. "I love you dude!", he whispered. Those were the last words I heard from him before I fell into deep sleep.



*I was suppose to prepare something bigger-a surprise birthday party. But sadly, I was so broke that time so I settled for the simplest yet still memorable-I hope it was. *_*

"No more coffee..."

Just last weekend, I already told myself "No more coffee for the days and shifts ahead!" (and if possible FOREVER...). I should detoxify myself from caffeine. And if I can, I should not even be smelling it's bittersweet aroma, or else I'll be tempted to consume three mugs of it. Yes! 3 mugs!

I really need to give up this craving for it's not doing good for me, eversince before. It's causing palpitation and it's like I'm having hard time organizing my thoughts, even the words I'm suppose to say. (funny uh!)

That's why I so hate myself today! I did not consume a mug or two of coffee though, but I took more than a sip of it. It feels so relieving giving warmth inside and it makes me feel alive. And I suddenly remembered that yesterday I consumed a mug of coffee. This is my vice. And I'm having hard time giving this one up. It's causing me headache and drowsinesss yet I still love it.

I'm not into smoking. I'm very into alcohol, but I can control my wanting of it. But coffee? Absence of it is making me weak. Effects of it physically weakens me as well.

I know I can give this up, like how I did it two years ago. I guess I'll just go for water and alcohol.

hhmm....*_*

I am alone

I am so preoccupied with nothing. So tired of thinking how to escape. I don't want to think of anything, I guess that's what I exactly want to do. I want to calm down and relax from the fast pace life I am living. I want to slow down so I can appreciate those little things that's coming in my life, I want to absorb every single, simple and nonsense things I am hearing for I know it teaches me more of what life really is, which I think I fail to do for so long. Really so long.

I want to escape from this world where I am now, if only I can. I don't want to think of any responsibilities even just for now. I don't want to think of work and performances, and if possible not work at all. I want to forget the debts I have. I want to eliminate from my thoughts the expected large amount of expenses for the coming Holidays. I just simply want to feel those people who are playing important roles in my life.

I want to go to paradise and clear myself from any thoughts that's bothering me right now and I want to have them with me. I am expecting to hear words from them good enough to comfort me. I am not searching for intelligent and knowledgeable people who can give me the most practical advise. I only want those who I love so dearly- and loving me more in return. Unfortunately, they are not around to rescue me from this drowning of loneliness and boredom I am experiencing. I turn my head but no one is really around. I am alone. No response from them after I shouted for help. I guess I have to leave for paradise alone and lighten my emotions all by myself.

I need to understand that things doesn't always have to happen on how you want it to be.



And suddenly, after a very long moment of being alone, I realized that what I actually want to do is settle things down. Which is also the right thing to do. There's no escaping in this world of reality. I need to put things back in it's place.

The previous year and this year made me experience the bitterness of life and of how it feels when you don't think of any responsibilities, though in reality, you have a lot to look after. I am feeling all the regrets I should feel and it's hurting so much. It feels like there's no other way out. It's making me cry.

But at the same time, behind the pain and regrets, I need to see what more it's giving to me-realization and renewal of one's self. I need to look straight so I can make my dreams possible. So I can attain what I want in life which I already buried in forgetting for so long.

Two years of Darkness and Depression is enough for me to have a lifetime of Light, Success and Happiness.

A Memory of Fame

It's past 12:oomn now. Another moment of waking up late-this time with Buddy- since it's Sunday night and this seems to be our only time to be together after every stressful working days. After a COMPLETE mass we attended, we intentionally visit our previous workplace to see the people there and try our luck if we can tempt them for a night out or just chill out. We are night owls but they are more than that. And I used to be one of them.

Unfortunately, we were not able to accomplish our mission and just got a response from one of our night out buddy before that he'll just file undertime after 3 hours for he is having soar throat. With much excitement he said, " Dude, follow ako. I'll file undertime. Text ako ha, dalhin ko CVR ko! Sige, briefing pa." After exchanging new contacts, he immediately left and we decided to leave too. I know he wouldn't come as he promised. I know him, so better not expect. OK. We'll just do our own way of chilling.

After a tedious yet enjoyable chilling, we decided to go online together. Surprisingly, he agreed. The funny thing is, we argued on what eCafe to go to. And just ended up somewhere near my place.

Now, he's checking YouTube, while I'm checking my blog, emails and Friendster. We are not paying attention to one another until suddenly, with much eagerness, he called me up to check YouTube and search NGANONG NI ENTER!, their album-collection of all hip-hop and rap music- and the title of one of their tracks contained in that album, . I was so entertained when I saw the video of some teens doing one of their tracks.

Here's what I got:






After watching and sharing crisp laughs with Buddy, I found this another video...






We were really so impressed with those teens on how they appreciate the Cebuano music industry and how they realize the effects of ENTERing into something which is of no good, only pure fun. It may look like they are only doing this for entertainment but it's also flattering on the original artist's end-KONIGS- that of all the music they can try imitate, it's their track they choose. Which simply means, in this competitive world of music industry, you may weather and die down, people will forget your fame, no more shouts and screams of appreciatons in stage, but there are still people out there who recognizes the things you made, remembers you, buys out your CDs, and singing your songs trying to imitate your style, which you least expected.

There were actually few comments for the video which we think are from their friends, so we decided to leave a comment to gratify and appreciate what they made. Naw-T-doG is actually hoping of meeting them one day.

You're Never Far from Me

NEVER TOO FAR
(Mariah Carey)

I
You're with me
Till the better end
What we had transcends
This experience
Too painful
To talk about
So I hold it in
Till my heart can mend
And be brave enought to love again

II
A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

CHORUS
Ooohhh...
Never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
And I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I' ll keep you close to me
When I remember

Glittering lights
Incandescent eyes
Still preserved
In my mind
In the memories
I' ll find solace

*REPEAT CHORUS*
*REPEAT VERSEII*
*REPEAT CHORUS*

Love
You're never too far...

Can Never Take That Away

My Sweetest Downfall

I know I can do more but I prefer not to. When I left the life I had before-party, getting drunk, li'l bit of flirting, going home late- I thought I am successful enough to be so proud to stand up and shout "I'm a better person!" , and that I'm OK now. But all the while, I was perfectly wrong. I used to consider that finding and having you in my life is a blessing in disguise after losing the better one.

I failed from my previous relationship. I failed to show respect for myself. For my partner. But I blamed it all to him. Shame on me!

Then there came you. A person with cool personality. Party goer. Can withstand drinking for longer hours. Fond of music. And mature. From all those personalities I saw in you, I looked forward to a better relationship than what I had. Much cool relationship, diba?
We tried to work things out- though we should not have tried it, in the first place. Congratulations! Everything happened as expected. Real smooth sailing, sweet one. Nothing to argue with. No disputes at all--------for the first few months.

But look where we are standing now. Some things are never meant to last. Unexpectedly, we shift love-style. Now all I can only do is reminisce what used to be so sweet and really promising. Thanks to my kakapalan ng mukha that even after all the shedding-tears-moments, I was still able to face those I shared all my stupidity with. Thanks I still know ME.

There's no more hundreds of "I LOVE YOU" and " I MISS U" messages from you everyday. No more surprise picking up from work. No more eager voice of " PLS VISIT ME IN MY PLACE...miss u...". No more nonsense, sweet conversations. No more songs dedicated for me. No more "I'M SORRY's" after misunderstandings. All we have are arguements trying to prove we are right from the other. Saying excuses why this and that shouldn't be. We're left with No More...

There are lots of questions I want to ask but can't find the right words. I am not satisfied from the answers I got but I can't probe or clarify any further and just settled to JUST IT and COME WHAT MAY. I'm leaving myself hanging. But I can't leave him coz I know he's trying to give the peace of mind I deserve. I just prefer it this way.

I'm hurting deep inside. I know that. The crisp of my laughs and genuine-like smiles are not enough to convince myself I'm totally happy and contented. Yes! There is something more I can do but prefer not to, for I know it'll hurt me alot. Much painful than what I'm feeling right now.

I can spit in his face. I can shout. I can say bad words. I can take revenge. I can leave. I don't think I will lose ME. But I still prefer not to.

I also need to admit to myself that he's making me laugh even in a worst nonsense nothing to a most important something. Making me excited in every dates. Making me look my best whenever we're out. And he's proud of me. He's my number one fan in my greatest interest in life. And I do love him for that.

I may look and sound stupid for you, but this is easier for me, making me comfortable and at ease, as for this time. I can only say words. I can't do anything. I can only do so much. Sorry to me, I just can't leave him...yet.

"You are my sweetest downfall", I say.

LBJ's jaw-dropping dunk!!!

A WOW! for you Mr. James! I am not a basketball fanatic but this headline from Yahoo! caught my attention. LeBron James dunked from the free throw line. Imagine that?! Maybe, next game, he can try doing it from the three-point line. *_*

Welcoming Mimi with Bye, bye

This song made me love Mariah so much...

There's something with it I can't name, but I just simply like it alot!!

"Mah Khain N Only"

They call me The Destroyer. A destroyer of my own life and of someone else's life. I mean, not just someone else, but someone living in such solemn relationship.

It's been almost a year now but still pondering on what I could have done better. There could have been no complications-for all of us. She could have been happier. I could have not broke her dreams. I'm dwelling in "could have" now. But it's not a regret, though it used to be.

You raise yourself so hight until no one can see you anymore. You claim your throne in the pedestal but you don't have one. You think you standout but you don't actually. Not so long but for quite sometime, I was living-or should I say hallucinating- to that thought. But it did never happen. It's too late, then you realize. You've fallen so hard from somewhere so high. The cut so deep and it hurts a lot. But rewarding on the latter part. It'll paint a smile on your face that time can never erase. So you say, you're no longer hallucinating coz you've seen reality. And you're serious about it, not just what they call short-term realization.

The Great Destroyer

Everything started from a simple handshake to flirting around. It grew to going out together to something "no strings attached". From there, time pulled it to somewhere SERIOUS and TRUE. And there goes I LOVE YOU!

Everyone knows it could happen but should not pursue. We will hurt her. Coz he will leave the 7 year long relationship they so value, not to mention the years before that. They were more than lovers. We are less than friends. Isn't it ironic if he will give her up and choose me over her? But that's life, REAL IRONIC, for he did choose me and left her.

Just when you think you have been chosen, but memories of her still lingers in him. Alive, very much alive! And it feels like time pulls you back to when it was you were only second.

Yes! You were chosen so you should be someone in his life. Or more than someone. You should be the only one. Valued. Loved. Caressed. You should be a titlist. But you're not! You're not called by something so dear and special. He can only write your name in a clean sheet of paper without anything. Nothing else, only that! Then you found out he already wrote someone else's name with the best colorful and creative design around it. That's why he only wrote yours the simplest he could, you conclude.

Shortcoming

Unconsciously, you live life the different way. Pride, envy, selfishness eating you up and you're almost gone. But you can't allow it to happen coz you think you're one of the best and you can do the greatest. It's either you stay with him and mess your life out, or leave him...then what? So you decided to leave thinking you're better off alone. But he stopped you. Does not want to lose you. Wants to be with you for as long as he knows he loves you.

So you stayed. You're no longer one of the best for you let someone influence your decision, you told yourself.

Everyday became the worst days of your life. Time passed so slow and you're counting every minute and hour. You lost your life of fun and enjoyment because you chose to stay with him and mess your life out. You decide to leave again. He stopped you. All of a sudden, it's you already stopping yourself leave. You don't have any reason, in the first place, you said. You're better than her. Prettier. Much elegant. Outgoing. That's why he chose you. You should not envy! You should stay and prove to everyone and to your self you can do better than what she can for you have more than what she have.

Not a day goes by without thinking anything about her and him- what they were before, what they've done, places they've visited, beaches they've discovered and stuffs which doesn't make sense at all. You're getting PARANOID for the reason you don't certainly know. You are living in illusions! Illusions about them coming back in each others arms for they can't let go what they have cherished for so long. Illusions of them much happier together. And all those illusions brought you in tears. Tears of great misery. And you realize you don't know yourself anymore. Full of hatred and madness. Envaded by pride and self-pity. Are you mad at them about the thought of much closer relationship? Or are you mad at yourself for you can't accept the fact that there was this person in his life he so value before you even exist? The latter makes more sense, you found out.

You can no longer get out from the emotion imprisoning you right now. There's no way out. The thought of a wrecked up life is playing on your mind.

Fixing and Mending

All your life, you look forward and dreamed of a fairy tale-liked tomorrow. But look at yourself now, you're starting to take the path to an unhappy life. You sure don't want to end up in mud for the reason of bad illusions and hallucinations.

Yes. She is true. He is real. They both exist in your life. But you can't even prove to yourself that those things you suspect did really happen.

You gotta open your mind and your eyes to know the real score. You gotta get out from the depression you're into.

DON'T ESCAPE!
Keep right.
Be yourself.
Gain more confidence.
It seems like you're going back from the beginning when you were still learning to walk and talk. But if it has to be this way just to straighten up everything, you'd take the risk or whatever. It wouldn't hurt anyway.

Nothing is easy when you're following what's right. Just as what is happening to you. Temptations come in nice wrappers. But it still wouldn't stop you. The pursuit of real happiness takes time. You're not giving him up. And you'll be the BEST someone in his life. You're a WISE ONE. You know how to clean up your mess.

Things happen when you least expect it to. You wake up one day, heart so light. Mind so peaceful. Is this now the fruit of my sacrifice? My reward?

Envy. Pride. Self-pity. Selfishness. Hatred.
What are these? They are strange and unknown words to me. I can't imagine myself dwelling on these kind of emotions. I AM HAPPY NOW! Happy for I have learned the true meaning of living and loving.

Life is REAL IRONIC. I have to admit that I regret all profanities that came out from my mouth. It was for them but it came back to me. It's triple times painful. She did not even feel bad about what we did. How come I did? She did not mess up her life when she lost someone special. How come I did when I got him?

Freed

But now is my time to make up. I may never have the best title and endearment from him but I am someone he loved and he still loves. "Mah Khain N Only" is very special for him and I am too, I know. I can never have her title. Can never match her. Coz she did different, and I too. I can not love him the way she did . But I can love him more than she do in such a way i know.

I should not go wrong the second time around. I hurt her once but such a great blow. I'm hurting him countless of times. I've made the greatest realization in life. I am happy and set myself free from anything...I may lose him. She may have her again. I would still be happy.

I can never be her and she can never be me.

TONIGHT I DECLARE!

CHECK OUT OFFICIAL VIDEO, served hot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQne5CPt_RM




Tonight I declare.
I do love music but did not bother dig deeper to it for the fact that music doesnt even give much interest to me ;-) . I do know Mariah Carey, who doesnt? Name highlighted as one of the greatest stars ever born.
After listening to her new singles, I Stay In Love, over and over again, I fell in love with it. And tonight I declare, she's my ultimate idol. hehe!
Thanks to my friend who influenced me soooo much. Thanks for sharing the mp3 while playing the song. (can't help but laugh...)