Breaking off

Work earlier was not good. Shift ended with anger... for whom? For my job which is very destructive and deadly(despite the fact I'm earning handsomely)? Or for myself coz I was not able to control my badmouth and I bursted out?

Afterwards, I felt so tired and I don't know why.

Maybe I just really need a serious break. I've been "breaking" for couple of times and I think it's no longer good. Well, I really don't give a damn care coz right now I want to have a break! And I don't think all those breaks were enough, so this time, this "break", I should take things seriously. I need to accomplish what needs to be done. I gotta call in the office so I can be absent today then unwind and relax, think things over, ponder on some mistakes, contemplate on decisions I have to make. In that way I'll get refreshed.

I guess I need to give myself consideration for all the confusions and irrationality of my young mind. But being young is never an excuse for me and it'll be obvious bias if I'll put the blame about me being young.

Honestly, I'm having hard time identifying the things I need to work on to. But not as difficult as before. Now, I'm just not being consistent of my action plans that's why I'm so inconsistent of myself as well. Nobody, including me, wants to be called a jerk or be considered as someone having personality problems. Buddy once shouted at me about that thing and I was really hurt.

I'm trying to become a better person coz I feel like I'm a selfish daughter to my mom. Sometimes I can't give her what she exactly needs (FYI: I'm the chief income earner since Dad is no longer working). But to defend myself, I also have to leave something for me coz I'm going back to school next year, and I'm giving more than half of my monthly personal income.

I feel like I'm a bad friend. I can't seem to make my friends laugh all the time and I'm not like someone else who can crack the best jokes and say to others happenings of their everyday life, shameful or funny it may come out. Well, I'm just doing what is comfortable for me. I don't want to drown myself in embarrassment if ever I'll do that.

I feel like I'm not a deserving girlfriend for Buddy. Why? This sounds so silly but this is how I feel. I'm not like her ex-girlfriend/bestfriend. Not as nice and saintly-like as her. Not as rich and prominent as her. Simply not like her, and couple of things which does not contain reasonable words at all. I hate the vanity in me.

I have been telling myself that everyone is unique in their own way. But still I keep on wanting what other people possess without knowing that they might envy what I have that they don't also possess. Trying to emitate what "goodness" they have. This is so not me, so these should not pursue. I am a woman of straight, strong principle, and I'll never let the things I want make me forget the things I already have.

Others may think I am being so self-centered for what I confessed about what I'm feeling, but hell may care, I won't get anything by keeping inside what's hurting me so much.

This is just because of stress. Gotta take a break.