Constant Change

Nothing is constant. Everything changes. Physical features. Mind settings. Even feelings... even emotional status.

I really don't understand why I'm feeling this way after a short phone conversation with Buddy during my 15mins break.

But even before that, I already called him up around 2:00pm, it was drizzling and I was looking at the glass window of the cab I'm in, on my way for our rehearsal. I'm late for it, but I'm not worried. I'm feeling much worried about my lack of sleep. huh! It's been a week now that I get to sleep for only 4-5 hours. It could have been alright if I'm working the regular hours, but I'm not, unfortunately.

Anyway, this is how our conversation goes...

Ring... Ring... Ring... (loud music background).

ME : Sa'n ka?
BUDDY : Sa ecafe, soundtrip lang with the boys.
ME : Papunta ako ___, for rehearsal. Bukas na Big Night.
BUDDY : Ang tulog mo?
ME : Kunti lang... kailangan e sacrifice eh.
BUDDY : (audible sigh) Punta pala akong Manila bukas.
ME : Huh?! Ba't biglaan?!
BUDDY : Nabigla nga rin ako. Sina Ate M kasama ko. Kilala mo lahat ng makakasama ko. May bagong negosyo raw.
ME : Kailan ka uwi?
BUDDY : Di pa nga ako nakaalis, uwi na pinag-uusapan natin. haha!
ME : Sige wag ka na umuwi ha...
BUDDY : Hahaha! Balik agad kami.
ME : Gaano kaagad?
BUDDY : Di ko pa alam. Text kita pag nakuha ko na ticket ko.
ME : K, sige text nalang kita for updates sa mga lakad ko today.
BUDDY : Sige, ingat ka! Fruits ha... saka vits mo.
ME : Yes po! Bye!

I didn't even waited for his "BYE" and "I LOVE YOU", I cut the line as soon as I finished saying the long word of BYE, but if I waited I doubt he would say "I LOVE YOU". Why? I don't know. I just felt that he won't. I'd rather hung up first than hear him hung up first on the other line instead of hearing the expected " I LOVE YOU".

I didn't pay much attention about what I just knew, thinking that 99% about his Manila weekend trip will not pursue and we can then spend the weekend together.

Later that night, I called him up during my break to verify about his flight, and after expecting that he will say he won't be leaving for weekend, I just got disappointed. He informed me the opposite. He's leaving and coming back Monday morning. I can't almost say anything but I tried to compose myself. Not really a big deal actually but there are just lots of things we need to talk--- about us. I can't understand our scheme and way of communicating with each other- text messages, phone calls, his visiting home which he very seldom do and I think the last time he did it was like centuries ago. Is he just inconsistent about his life in general? Not limited to lovelife? Or some other reason bigger and more serious than that? Is he falling out of love and getting so jaded about me... about us? And would want to go for another relationship?

I hung up the phone and went back to my pad. I was thinking over things. We are not as sweet as other lovers are. We were never very sweet, I guess, and not the PDA type. I used to think it's perfectly fine and in fact I like it. PDA type of relationship is too immature for me and very inappropriate, but now it seems like all the love in our relationship is slowly passing out it's existence and close to cease it's functioning, and I'm blaming it about us not being so sweet.

I thought I have fully adjusted with our setup. Buddy on the other side of the world, and me here in this other lonely side. What used to be a 'sweet and passionate always' now seems to be a bitter and stressful nothing.

Here I go again! I can't name the feeling I have now. I am mad! But I can't tell if it's for him or the idea that he's leaving.

I tried feel myself and search inside my heart the love I'm feeling for him that I've been trying to keep for so long. Surprisingly, I can't find it. I was shocked! No this can't be! I love him, I know that!

Am I just feeling this way due to disappointment that my plans for us can no longer be possible this weekend?

Or, is it because of our very inconsistent way of communication and he seems to be so cold almost all the time these past few weeks?

Is it because he doesn't tell me he is missing me like the way he used to say it to me?

About the thought of him leaving, maybe?

A lot of possible reasons I know we can talk about and slowly fix. Hopefully, just that.

I pray this won't be something so serious...

But it can't be about falling out of love.

... I pray...