My Sweetest Downfall

I know I can do more but I prefer not to. When I left the life I had before-party, getting drunk, li'l bit of flirting, going home late- I thought I am successful enough to be so proud to stand up and shout "I'm a better person!" , and that I'm OK now. But all the while, I was perfectly wrong. I used to consider that finding and having you in my life is a blessing in disguise after losing the better one.

I failed from my previous relationship. I failed to show respect for myself. For my partner. But I blamed it all to him. Shame on me!

Then there came you. A person with cool personality. Party goer. Can withstand drinking for longer hours. Fond of music. And mature. From all those personalities I saw in you, I looked forward to a better relationship than what I had. Much cool relationship, diba?
We tried to work things out- though we should not have tried it, in the first place. Congratulations! Everything happened as expected. Real smooth sailing, sweet one. Nothing to argue with. No disputes at all--------for the first few months.

But look where we are standing now. Some things are never meant to last. Unexpectedly, we shift love-style. Now all I can only do is reminisce what used to be so sweet and really promising. Thanks to my kakapalan ng mukha that even after all the shedding-tears-moments, I was still able to face those I shared all my stupidity with. Thanks I still know ME.

There's no more hundreds of "I LOVE YOU" and " I MISS U" messages from you everyday. No more surprise picking up from work. No more eager voice of " PLS VISIT ME IN MY PLACE...miss u...". No more nonsense, sweet conversations. No more songs dedicated for me. No more "I'M SORRY's" after misunderstandings. All we have are arguements trying to prove we are right from the other. Saying excuses why this and that shouldn't be. We're left with No More...

There are lots of questions I want to ask but can't find the right words. I am not satisfied from the answers I got but I can't probe or clarify any further and just settled to JUST IT and COME WHAT MAY. I'm leaving myself hanging. But I can't leave him coz I know he's trying to give the peace of mind I deserve. I just prefer it this way.

I'm hurting deep inside. I know that. The crisp of my laughs and genuine-like smiles are not enough to convince myself I'm totally happy and contented. Yes! There is something more I can do but prefer not to, for I know it'll hurt me alot. Much painful than what I'm feeling right now.

I can spit in his face. I can shout. I can say bad words. I can take revenge. I can leave. I don't think I will lose ME. But I still prefer not to.

I also need to admit to myself that he's making me laugh even in a worst nonsense nothing to a most important something. Making me excited in every dates. Making me look my best whenever we're out. And he's proud of me. He's my number one fan in my greatest interest in life. And I do love him for that.

I may look and sound stupid for you, but this is easier for me, making me comfortable and at ease, as for this time. I can only say words. I can't do anything. I can only do so much. Sorry to me, I just can't leave him...yet.

"You are my sweetest downfall", I say.