"Mah Khain N Only"

They call me The Destroyer. A destroyer of my own life and of someone else's life. I mean, not just someone else, but someone living in such solemn relationship.

It's been almost a year now but still pondering on what I could have done better. There could have been no complications-for all of us. She could have been happier. I could have not broke her dreams. I'm dwelling in "could have" now. But it's not a regret, though it used to be.

You raise yourself so hight until no one can see you anymore. You claim your throne in the pedestal but you don't have one. You think you standout but you don't actually. Not so long but for quite sometime, I was living-or should I say hallucinating- to that thought. But it did never happen. It's too late, then you realize. You've fallen so hard from somewhere so high. The cut so deep and it hurts a lot. But rewarding on the latter part. It'll paint a smile on your face that time can never erase. So you say, you're no longer hallucinating coz you've seen reality. And you're serious about it, not just what they call short-term realization.

The Great Destroyer

Everything started from a simple handshake to flirting around. It grew to going out together to something "no strings attached". From there, time pulled it to somewhere SERIOUS and TRUE. And there goes I LOVE YOU!

Everyone knows it could happen but should not pursue. We will hurt her. Coz he will leave the 7 year long relationship they so value, not to mention the years before that. They were more than lovers. We are less than friends. Isn't it ironic if he will give her up and choose me over her? But that's life, REAL IRONIC, for he did choose me and left her.

Just when you think you have been chosen, but memories of her still lingers in him. Alive, very much alive! And it feels like time pulls you back to when it was you were only second.

Yes! You were chosen so you should be someone in his life. Or more than someone. You should be the only one. Valued. Loved. Caressed. You should be a titlist. But you're not! You're not called by something so dear and special. He can only write your name in a clean sheet of paper without anything. Nothing else, only that! Then you found out he already wrote someone else's name with the best colorful and creative design around it. That's why he only wrote yours the simplest he could, you conclude.

Shortcoming

Unconsciously, you live life the different way. Pride, envy, selfishness eating you up and you're almost gone. But you can't allow it to happen coz you think you're one of the best and you can do the greatest. It's either you stay with him and mess your life out, or leave him...then what? So you decided to leave thinking you're better off alone. But he stopped you. Does not want to lose you. Wants to be with you for as long as he knows he loves you.

So you stayed. You're no longer one of the best for you let someone influence your decision, you told yourself.

Everyday became the worst days of your life. Time passed so slow and you're counting every minute and hour. You lost your life of fun and enjoyment because you chose to stay with him and mess your life out. You decide to leave again. He stopped you. All of a sudden, it's you already stopping yourself leave. You don't have any reason, in the first place, you said. You're better than her. Prettier. Much elegant. Outgoing. That's why he chose you. You should not envy! You should stay and prove to everyone and to your self you can do better than what she can for you have more than what she have.

Not a day goes by without thinking anything about her and him- what they were before, what they've done, places they've visited, beaches they've discovered and stuffs which doesn't make sense at all. You're getting PARANOID for the reason you don't certainly know. You are living in illusions! Illusions about them coming back in each others arms for they can't let go what they have cherished for so long. Illusions of them much happier together. And all those illusions brought you in tears. Tears of great misery. And you realize you don't know yourself anymore. Full of hatred and madness. Envaded by pride and self-pity. Are you mad at them about the thought of much closer relationship? Or are you mad at yourself for you can't accept the fact that there was this person in his life he so value before you even exist? The latter makes more sense, you found out.

You can no longer get out from the emotion imprisoning you right now. There's no way out. The thought of a wrecked up life is playing on your mind.

Fixing and Mending

All your life, you look forward and dreamed of a fairy tale-liked tomorrow. But look at yourself now, you're starting to take the path to an unhappy life. You sure don't want to end up in mud for the reason of bad illusions and hallucinations.

Yes. She is true. He is real. They both exist in your life. But you can't even prove to yourself that those things you suspect did really happen.

You gotta open your mind and your eyes to know the real score. You gotta get out from the depression you're into.

DON'T ESCAPE!
Keep right.
Be yourself.
Gain more confidence.
It seems like you're going back from the beginning when you were still learning to walk and talk. But if it has to be this way just to straighten up everything, you'd take the risk or whatever. It wouldn't hurt anyway.

Nothing is easy when you're following what's right. Just as what is happening to you. Temptations come in nice wrappers. But it still wouldn't stop you. The pursuit of real happiness takes time. You're not giving him up. And you'll be the BEST someone in his life. You're a WISE ONE. You know how to clean up your mess.

Things happen when you least expect it to. You wake up one day, heart so light. Mind so peaceful. Is this now the fruit of my sacrifice? My reward?

Envy. Pride. Self-pity. Selfishness. Hatred.
What are these? They are strange and unknown words to me. I can't imagine myself dwelling on these kind of emotions. I AM HAPPY NOW! Happy for I have learned the true meaning of living and loving.

Life is REAL IRONIC. I have to admit that I regret all profanities that came out from my mouth. It was for them but it came back to me. It's triple times painful. She did not even feel bad about what we did. How come I did? She did not mess up her life when she lost someone special. How come I did when I got him?

Freed

But now is my time to make up. I may never have the best title and endearment from him but I am someone he loved and he still loves. "Mah Khain N Only" is very special for him and I am too, I know. I can never have her title. Can never match her. Coz she did different, and I too. I can not love him the way she did . But I can love him more than she do in such a way i know.

I should not go wrong the second time around. I hurt her once but such a great blow. I'm hurting him countless of times. I've made the greatest realization in life. I am happy and set myself free from anything...I may lose him. She may have her again. I would still be happy.

I can never be her and she can never be me.