I'm broke but I'm happy

I feel like I'm the poorest person alive on Earth right now. It's exactly 04:27am, but still I can't sleep. I am thinking about a lot of things- payables, how to earn extra income, what I can do this weekend, my attire for the party this December, contemplating if I'm gonna move in with Buddy in Manila, how to start saving so I can go back to school next year-basically, everything has something to do with money. I only have like a hundred bucks in my wallet and a few change in my purse. I am calculating in my mind where my money went and how I spent it. My daily fare, meal, personal expenses-accessories, dress, facial, massage, night out, and all other extra expenses. Whew! Not an easy life here. I am earning more now with my current job compared to those previous ones I had, but expenses now is skyrocketing! And I forgot to mention, the amount of money I always to give to mama is an additional expense.

I am so burdened with responsibilities not suppose to be mine. I am worrying my young mind of problems supposedly my parents should be thinking. I have been telling myself I should be grateful I am earning and I am helping my family. It's a nice scene seeing my sisters and brother with smiles painted on their face for they are not experiencing the scarcity I 'suffered' when I was their age. I AM SORRY but I find it too much already, I guess.

Too much coz I can't even buy the things I wanted for so long. I'm not being mean and self-centered, I'm being selfless, actually. I can only get what's cheap, cheaper and cheapest when I know I deserve something better.

I have to think of this and that before I think of myself. I mean, it's total discouragement on my end if I'm getting nothing for all my hardworks. Everybody deserves a reward for a job well done and I know I deserve to have one.

Huh! Again, I can only do so much. I can only scold myself but I can't afford to leave them. I'm not that hard, yet. I just feel battered with responsibilities not mine, but in the end, I know I would still offer myself to take all those. I can't deny, the bitterness I'm feeling right now will just be easily washed out by the eagerness of giving my ALL to see them happy and contented.

In the long run, I should still be glad coz I'm blessed with what everybody needs-MONEY. I should feel more thankful, rather than being bitter. I don't beg for alms in the street just to earn. I have a descent job I'm being paid handsomely. Me and my family can eat three times daily (even more), we can still go out together, my siblings go to school and they get to join clubs and organization coz I can afford to pay and they celebrate birthdays with cakes and presents.

I weighed things well and the final conclusion is, it still feels much more rewarding if you give up your own wants for those people you love just to see them happy and enjoying their life. You feel enjoyment and happiness too.

Maybe God has better plans for me. Maybe he's still preparing the best recipe for a very special food for me. Maybe much better taste than what I want now. I don't have to rush things up, I have to remind myself of that all the time. I know I can have something I can call my own, in the near future. Maybe that's gonna be my greatest reward for all these.